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As is customary, this new series of TV's top interior design challenge (not that I know of any others) features contestants from all over the UK. And once again it's to the vibrant south-coast resort of Brighton and Hove, my own home city (Motto: "Welcome, one and all! Now give us your money"), that they've been summoned, to the studio of judge Michelle Ogundehin.

With that in mind, the sensible way to start, since most of these contestants have come some distance and must be weary, would obviously be just to set the first challenge on the seafront. And it turns out that's precisely what Michelle has chosen to do. "You're heading to the seaside," Alan informs the designers on her behalf. "You're each going to have a beach hut you need to totally transform."

So that sounds perfect, doesn't it? And which stretch have they been assigned, I wonder? Might it be the part where Mrs TV and I had our own hut some years ago, between the bowling green and the toilets? That would be fun. "The beach huts," Alan reveals, "are on Dorset's Jurassic Coast, with enviable views of the Isle of Wight..."

Yep, Dorset. Specifically, it emerges, on Avon Beach in Mudeford. That's 100-plus miles from Brighton. Two and a quarter hours by car. "Through all these challenges," Michelle then adds, "I'd really like to see evidence that you've considered sustainability..."

In her defence, to "totally transform" a beach hut closer to home would be tricky. Why? Well, because our council isn't terribly accommodating in that respect. "The roof and upper sides must be painted in paint no. BS 4800 14 C35 Gloss," insists its Department of Joy.

And the rest? "The plinth and lower sides must be painted in paint no. BS 4800 04 D45 Gloss," it continues. "Or we'll shoot you at dawn."

(I'm kidding about that last bit, of course. The council has no current plans to shoot anyone before lunchtime.) Still, never let it be said those guys are killjoys. "The doors," they concede, "can be any single solid colour or vertically striped in multiple colours." Only vertically, mind. Don't go getting ideas.

"Brand new competition! Brand new judges!" announces MasterChef judge and co-host Grace Dent, as she and chef Anna Haugh take the reins of TV's longest running cooking contest. To be honest, I've never really understood what the difference is between "new" and "brand new", but excitable television folk increasingly seem to favour the latter. I can only assume the addition of the word "brand" is meant to say: "Not only is this new but we're really excited about it", as opposed to: "Oh, God, here we go again. Yet another MasterChef series. How many more years can drag this thing out for..?"

It's nice to re-visit this gem from 1994, starring Hugh Grant, Andie MacDowell and lots of other big names I haven't room to list (although, by telling you that, I seem to have used up several more lines, which I guess makes me an idiot). Writer Richard Curtis reunited the cast for a mini-sequel for Comic Relief in 2019, a sketch so painfully unfunny that it nearly put me off for this film for life. Luckily, I have an enduring affection for old Richard Curtis romcoms. I'm not sure if Richard Curtis has.