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It was déjà vu all over again as I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here: South Africa kicked off. ITV have hyped it as an "all-star" version, which is absolute baloney. In what sense does Gemma Collins qualify as a star or to compete for the "ultimate legend" title? The Towie diva, who arrives tonight, quit the show after 72 hours in 2012, claiming to have malaria. Frankly, she is as welcome back as the vuvuzela. So-so comedian Seann Walsh (real name Sean) came fifth in 2022 and got off to a lousy start last night by losing his lead in a rope bridge challenge to stylish Sinitta. The 80s pop poppet was the first to grab hold of a dangling gold star. Walsh might have jumped a bit quicker if the prize had been Katya Jones...

If the curse of Strictly is steamy romantic indiscretions, the curse of I'm A Celebrity is familiarity and fatigue. The contestants are back in Kruger National Park (as first seen in 2023) rather than Australia, but the setup is the same. Trial one: fear of heights. Trial two: gunge and critters. Trial three: fear of heights. None of the trials are live, which loses the edge of danger and viewer involvement. If we can't vote to torture the big-heads, bores and creeps, what is the point?

Then there are the presenters, ITV's tarnished dream team Ant and Dec, both 50, giving it the same old sniggering schoolboy schtick. They got away with it at 26 when the show started in 2002, but even they can't play Peter Pan forever. The hair dye fools nobody, and the juvenile script doesn't help. Dec: "Because we're on safari, we can guarantee you'll be seeing the big five." Ant: "Penis, anus, testicle, vagina and nipple..." which sounded uncannily like the line-up for Question Time.

First in were Ashley Roberts (ex-Pussycat Doll) and former Emmerdale face Adam Thomas, who became team leaders, recruiting Olympian Sir Mo Farah and ex-Coronation Street star Bev Callard respectively to tackle Tipped Over The Edge - a high-altitude balance challenge on a tilting platform which involved working back-to-back to collect jigsaw pieces and assemble a yellow star. I'm not saying soap dope Adam is dim, but it took him ten minutes and 24 seconds to put the Blue Team's star together. So long Dec offered to "delay News at Ten" (already pushed back to 10.30pm). The Blues lost, condemning them to face Savannah Scrub. That's a basic no-frills losers' camp, not a refugee from Rupaul's Drag Race.

Next to arrive was Googlebox alumni Scarlett Moffatt, now "four stone heavier and ten years older" than she was for her 2016 victory. The reality show graduate from County Durham, competing because she needs a new bathroom, was up against ex-world heavyweight and cruiserweight boxing champ David Haye for the second trial.

Trapped in deceptively homely cabins, the pair were relentlessly splattered with revolting gunge. It was like Noel's House Party on steroids.

Winner Haye wound up Callard by sending her to the Scrub. Later, she talked about wanting to "chin him", a catchweight contest that would have been the most lopsided fight since Calzaghe Vs Lacy. Haye has already taken charge of the red team and dismisses alternative views like a taller, more muscular Putin.

The 90-minute launch show ended with three in the Scrub - Bev, Seann and Adam, respectively 69, 40 and 37, and none of them can cook. The show's most shocking reveal.

Especially as they only have to heat up rice and beans. Still to come, bantering ex-footballer Jimmy Bullard, who was voted out first in his series, Craig Charles, who had to leave his after a family tragedy, and the real camp legend Harry Redknapp. We will finally get our chance to vote, but not until the grand final, broadcast live from London in three weeks' time.

My friend's wife bought an easter egg that was gluten-free, lactose-free, and sugar-free. When she opened the packet, there was nothing inside. The same is true about I'm A Celebrity. The packaging is fancy, but there's no real jeopardy, no substance and no surprises. The whole format is predictable and tired... The biggest surprise would be David Haye not flashing his buttocks in the shower. There is no legends' equivalent of Myleene Klass for the men, sadly, but lovers of cheap innuendo will appreciate Ashley, who managed to fire off "be nice to me bush" (to the South African countryside) and yell "I'm going down, I need to go down" during the first trial. Keep it up, Ash.