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I am 27 years old. I had a boyfriend for about three years. Last year, she suddenly ended the relationship saying that she did not see a future in this relationship. Initially I thought I would get better with time, but even after six months I have not been able to get out of this pain.

Earlier I was quite sociable, but now I don't even feel like meeting friends. After coming home from office, I sit alone for hours. Many times, I start crying after reading his old messages and wonder what was lacking in me due to which he left me.

The biggest fear is that perhaps I will never get that kind of love again. I am not able to move forward from this relationship. What should I do?

Expert: Dr. Drona Sharma, Consultant Psychiatrist, Ireland and UK. Member of the UK, Irish and Gibraltar Medical Councils.

Breaking a relationship of three years is not easy

First of all, it is important to understand that it is natural to feel sadness, emptiness and sadness after the end of a three-year-old relationship. The loss of a close relationship can sometimes feel like losing an important person.

One more thing is important in your case. The breakup happened suddenly and you weren't even clear about the full reason for his decision. She just said that she doesn't see a future in the relationship.

But what did it mean?

Was he confused about marriage? Did both of them have different views regarding children, career or living space? Were there any family problems? Or was he himself unhappy in this relationship?

Most importantly, has he ever opened up to you about his problems before?

If this did not happen, your mind did not have enough chance to understand the end of that relationship. He took the decision, but you had to go through the questions and pain that arose after that.

This is the reason why your mind is returning to the same question again and again-'What happened after all?'

Repeatedly blaming yourself can increase the problem

After a breakup, when the reason is not fully understood, the person often starts looking for shortcomings in himself.

This question is coming to your mind again and again-'What was lacking in me?'

But this question needs to be changed a bit.

ask yourself-

'Do I have any concrete evidence that the relationship ended only because of some fault of mine?'

It is possible that you too may have made some mistakes in the relationship. This is possible in every relationship. It is a good thing to recognize those mistakes and learn from them. But the end of a relationship isn't always just one person's fault.

If your partner did not share his problems and expectations with you in time, it was difficult for you to understand them and work on them.

so Understanding responsibility and blaming yourself are two different things.

Can prolonged sadness be a sign of depression?

It is important to understand a medical distinction here. Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD) is a formal mental health diagnosis, used primarily in the context of grief that persists for a long time after a person's death.

Therefore, it would not be appropriate to directly call a romantic breakup as PGD. However, long-lasting grief after a breakup means thinking about the same incident again and again. RuminationDistance from social activities and loss of interest in other parts of life can be a sign of impact on mental health.

In your case, being socially isolated even after six months, sitting alone for hours and crying repeatedly after reading old messages is a situation which should not be ignored.

Is it sadness of breakup or depression?

It is not right to self-diagnose depression based on these symptoms alone. But you can definitely pay attention to your experiences of the last two weeks.

If your grief revolves primarily around the person, the breakup, and issues, but you still feel occasional joy or interest in other parts of your life, this may be part of the grief and adjustment that occurs after a breakup.

but if-

• Feeling sad or lacking interest in almost everything.
• Distance from friends and family is continuously increasing.
• There is a major change in sleep or appetite.
• Feel tired or lack of energy all the time.
• It is becoming difficult to concentrate on work.
• Feel worthless or disappointed.
• There are constant negative thoughts about the future.

So it may be necessary to seek professional help.

If you ever have thoughts of self-harm or suicide, consider it an emergency and contact a trusted person, local emergency services, or a mental health professional immediately.

Week 1: 'Why did he leave me?' change the question

Make three columns on a paper—

1. what i know
2. what he actually said
3. what i'm guessing

For example-

Fact: She said that she did not see a future in the relationship.

Estimate: It means there was something lacking in me.

Keep in mind, these two things are not the same.

After this, review your three-year relationship honestly.

ask yourself-

• What did I do well in the relationship?
• What were my mistakes?
• Did I try to understand his needs?
• Did I avoid disagreement or conflict?
• Are there any behaviors I would like to change in future relationships?

The purpose of this exercise is not to prove oneself completely right. The aim is to understand your real responsibility, and not to blame yourself for everything.

Week Two: Challenge Self-Blame

Whenever it comes to your mind-

'What was lacking in me?'

So ask yourself-

'Why am I thinking this? What evidence do I have for this idea?'

If he has been struggling with something for a long time, he should have shared his feelings and concerns with you.

If he didn't talk about his expectations or confusion about the future, it wasn't possible for you to work on the problem.

It is also possible that some of his concerns may have been justified. But without knowing his complete situation, it would not be right to draw any firm conclusions about his intentions or personality.

Stay away from old messages

It is not necessary to delete old messages. But keep them away from your sight for some time.

Make a goal for the next seven days that you will not read old messages.

Its purpose is not to erase memories. The aim is only to break that mental loop in which you return to the same old conversations and the same pain again and again.

Week 3: Make your life great again

One of the most important things after a breakup is to understand that Your identity is not limited to just that relationship.

Gradually make space for other things in your life.

• Talk to at least two friends on the phone every week.
• Meet at least one friend.
• Do some physical activity for 30 minutes about three days a week.
• Resume a hobby you enjoyed before the relationship.
• Start a new activity that has nothing to do with that person.
• Plan the coming week on Sunday.

The most important thing-Don't wait for the mood to improve.

Many times we first start some activity and after that gradually the mood and motivation starts improving.

Week 4: Learn lessons for your next relationship

Now the question should not be-

'Next time how do I become such that no one leaves me?'

Instead the question should be –

'Next time how will we both openly discuss the problems in our relationship?'

In any future serious relationship, it is important to discuss these issues from the beginning-

• How do we resolve differences when they arise?
• If one person is having trouble in the relationship, will he or she open up?
• What do both of them think about marriage?
• What are your thoughts regarding children?
• What are your plans regarding career and living space?
• Do we avoid difficult conversations or face them?

Love alone is not necessary in a healthy relationship. Equally important are communication, trust, respect and the ability to discuss difficult situations openly.

Most important thing: Your goal is not to stop someone by changing yourself.

The end of a relationship does not always prove that you are flawed.

Yes, something should be learned from every relationship. You should recognize your mistakes and change your behavior where necessary. But changing yourself just out of fear that the next person will leave you is not a healthy way to do it.

You need a relationship where both people can talk openly about their problems, hopes and future.

When should one seek professional help?

If after six months your grief continues to affect your everyday life, work, sleep, social relationships, or your happiness, consider seeking medical attention. psychologist, counselor or psychiatrist It may be helpful to talk to.

Seeking help is not weakness. Sometimes, getting out of a relationship requires not only time, but also understanding and dealing with your emotions in the right way.

And the most important thing-Just because one person leaves you doesn't eliminate the possibility of love for the rest of your life.