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Gone are the days when a papa’s role was limited to pampering the daughter, and mom did the heavy lifting, especially during her adolescent and teen years. Across the world, some dads are smashing stereotypical parenting boundaries to support their daughters’ menstrual journey and help them navigate crushes and relationships. This Father’s Day, Neha Bhayana spoke to three girl dads to know how they dealt with first periods and first crushes

‘We used to discuss toys. Now, we talk boys, and that’s cool’
-Srinivas Chaganti, Tara ’s father

When teen girls want to talk about crushes or decode conversations with a boy, they usually talk to their female bestie or their mom if she is the ‘cool type’. Some even discuss their feelings with an AI chatbot to avoid judgment. But 14-year-old Tara simply runs to her ‘dada’ and pours her heart out. He has worked to build a strong bond with his daughter, and they literally talk about any topic under the sun. “Toys are important to them when they are kids. Boys are important to them at this age. So, why shouldn’t we talk about them?” says the finance professional, adding that he has even helped Tara think of ways in which she can strike up a conversation with a boy she was interested in.

Chaganti and his wife Seemanthini Iyer, a parenting educator, had decided early on that theirs would be a gender-agnostic household, and they would keep the channels of communication open with their kids (their son is older) so they can freely talk to their parents about anything. Besides, they hope to be realistic and don’t expect their kids to not date. That’s why Chaganti has never uttered the typical ‘trad dad’ dialogues like “focus on your studies” or “this is not the age for thinking about boys.”

He was, in fact, the first to talk to Tara about periods when she was eight. “I used to read storybooks with Tara, and one day she picked a book called ‘Just for girls’ off the shelf, so I read it with her and that led to a chat about growing up changes,” he says. A year later, during a long road journey from Chennai to Mahabalipuram, they happened to discuss puberty again. So, Chaganti explained periods, breast enlargement and other changes girls notice in their body as they grow. “I told her that every girl and boy’s body changes as they grow, and that you should be ok with how it changes rather than fight it out. I wanted her to be mentally and emotionally prepared for it,” he says.

Was there any awkwardness? “None at all,” he says. “It was just like discussing Lego and Disney characters.”

Chaganti wasn’t always so comfortable talking about menstruation. He grew up in a conservative home where they had never mentioned the word. “It was a taboo topic for us. I didn’t even understand much. I got to know about what women go through only after marriage, and that’s why I decided to support my daughter.”

Dating and sex are not taboo topics in their home either. To get Tara to open up about crushes, Chaganti had started talking to her about his own crushes. Soon enough, she was talking too. In fact, he also told her in a “matter-of-fact way” that “One day you will like someone and he will like you, and maybe your hormones will take over, and you will have the odd kiss. It’s very normal.” He had also talked to her about how she should have sex only when she feels physically safe and mentally and emotionally ready. “I want Tara to be comfortable enough to talk to me about anything. God forbid, if she ends up in an abusive relationship, at least she would be able to turn around and say, ‘Dad, this guy did this and I didn’t like it. What should I do?’” he says.

Chaganti is glad he has talked to Tara about all the topics that dads usually avoid. “As Tara has grown, our bond has become stronger. Perhaps, without these kinds of conversations, she would have seen her dad as another man, rather than a friend,” he says.

Making plaits to navigating puberty, I had to learn it all’
- Ujjwal Nagar, Lavishka’s father

When Ujjwal Nagar took his five-year-old daughter Lavishka on a trek, he thought he was well-prepared. He had all the right gear, appropriate shoes and ample food supplies, but what he had forgotten to do was to learn how to comb a girl’s hair and make a plait or ponytail. He took the help of fellow female trekkers for this. Once they returned home, he took a demo from his wife and practised for days to master the skill. “It doesn’t come naturally to men. This was one of the toughest tasks to learn. I would often get into a tangle doing it,” he says, adding that he is a pro now.
Over the next few years, the father-daughter duo climbed many mountains. In 2018, Lavishka, then seven, became the youngest person to complete the Roopkund trek.

Handling hair was just the first of many lessons Nagar learnt as a girl dad. Lavishka is 15 now and an accomplished track-and-field athlete. She travels for competitions in India and abroad eight to ten times a year, and Nagar accompanies her while his wife stays back with their younger one. “As I am the parent who is with her, I had to learn a lot of things in order to teach her. I spoke to her about safe and unsafe touch as well as periods,” he says.

When Lavishka turned 10, Nagar and his wife started talking to her about the changes she would go through and preparing her for menstruation. Nagar admits he was a bit concerned about how he would explain periods, but there was no awkwardness. “The only challenge was how to put it as simply as possible so that a 10-year-old understands. There was no point in going into the science of it, I preferred to use analogies,” he says.
Nagar ensures they always carry supplies and says that periods have never stopped Lavishka from training or competing. After Lavishka turned 13, Nagar also had “multiple short chats” with her about boys and dating. “She is comfortable talking to me about everything. She told me when a boy proposed to her, and she turned him down,” he says.

Nagar believes that if a parent has a good connection with their child, they will know what stage their child is entering and what talk they need to have to help them sail through. “I think it is better to have a pre-emptive talk rather than waiting till something happens and then reacting,” he says.

‘I wanted my daughter to enjoy her periods, not feel punished’
-Sazeal Shah, Hrihii’s father

Sazeal Shah (43) can never forget the day he was asked to not go near his mother. He was just two or three years old then and had gone to his maternal grandmother’s house. “When I asked why I could not touch my mother, the women around said: ‘Kaagdo adakyo’ which means a crow bit her. I did not understand why that should stop me from going to my mom and felt very upset,” he says.

Over the years, Shah noticed how his mother was not allowed to enter the kitchen or touch pickle on certain days of the month. After marriage, he saw that his wife, too, was secluded during her period. She would even sit on the floor to eat rather than at the dining table with the rest of the family.
That’s why when he had a baby girl in 2012, he decided he would never treat his daughter differently and would ensure her first period was a happy occasion. “I wanted my daughter to enjoy her periods and not feel punished,” he says.

To mentally prepare Hrihii for puberty, Shah spoke with her when she was around 11. He also made a period research document for himself with information about what different communities do when their girls attain puberty. “Families in the south do a puja, make good food and give their daughters a gift when she gets her first period. Unfortunately, I was not in town when she got her first period, so I couldn’t do what I had planned,” he says.

A few months later, Shah had another talk with Hrihii after attending a puja. “I took her to the food court and asked her if she thinks we should have done puja during her period. She immediately said, ‘Oh no, we shouldn’t have done that.” Shah then spoke to her about Shakti Peeth in India, including the Kamakhya mandir, to explain to her that there should be no shame associated with menstruation. “I told her that perhaps in the olden times, people did not want women to physically tire themselves doing housework, so they told them to lie down in a room and over time, that kind of led to them being treated as untouchables during those days of the month.”

Shah points out that Hrihii is 13 now and is very comfortable discussing her monthly cycle with her dad, thanks to their talks. She even approaches him and asks for a back massage when she is in pain due to her period. Shah has spoken to Hrihii about dating, too and has told her she can come and tell him when there is a boy in her life. “I just tell her to ensure the boy loves her more than I love her,” he laughs.