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Dating can be a complicated mess, especially when you’re carrying around resentment that impacts the entire gender of people you are attracted to. 

For a lot of heterosexual women, dating men can come with headaches and an array of negative feelings because of the dynamics that some straight men bring to the table. Such was the case for a 29-year-old woman who submitted her dilemma to Slate’s advice column, questioning how she should move past the feelings of “bitterness” she has towards men so she can finally fall in love.

A woman asked how to get past being ‘filled with bitterness at the entire concept of men.’

“I’m a 29-year-old heterosexual woman interested in dating and long-term partnerships. I am currently casually dating around and hope to one day fall in love and settle down with someone,” the unnamed woman began in her advice post to Slate. 

She explained that she finds herself filled with bitterness toward men, which is getting in the way of her settling down. Her resentment and anger come from aspects of the patriarchy that men take advantage of. Things like feeling a sense of powerlessness and rage at the men leading our government and other institutions of power.

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Then there are things that happen to the individual, like being catcalled in the street or talked over in meetings at work, to the cultural like feeling inundated with ads, movies, and online content directed at the male gaze. To make matters worse, when she sees her female friends in relationships with men, they never seem completely happy.

“It still seems as if the woman is compromising more in the partnership, or hand-holding her boyfriend/husband through basic conflict resolution. Is that really as good as it gets when it comes to life with men?” she questioned. “I feel very acutely aware that we continue to live in a society largely dictated by patriarchy, and it’s hard to shake this feeling of bitterness and suspicion when I sit down for drinks with some Hinge schmuck.”

: Dating Coach Explains Why Men Don’t Seem To Make Any Effort To Look Nice When Going Out With A Woman

Many women have quit dating because of their complicated feelings towards men.

Women are now 23% less likely to want to date men. It’s not because they don’t care about or like men, but because of the emotional labor that comes with being in relationships with men. 

Women are finding themselves having to support men through a lot of their own feelings, from suffering through a loneliness epidemic and feeling isolated from their friends. Many men described feeling like it was a “waste of time” when opening to their male friends about their issues, and instead will open up to the women they are dating.

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But the thing is, more and more women are rejecting traditional expectations, including the idea that they should shoulder emotional labor as a natural part of a relationship. In fact, 56% of women have said that “it’s hard to find someone who meets their expectations” compared to 35% of men.

It’s why women are choosing to focus on themselves rather than putting all their energy into dating. That doesn’t mean a respectful and kind man won’t ever come along, but until that happens, there’s no reason why women can’t just pour that love into themselves.

: Woman Creates Boyfriend Application Because Dating Apps Weren’t ‘Asking The Right Questions’ & She’s Received Over 200 Responses

Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.