She was just 15 when she made her debut in 1984. Neelam Kothari went on to become a sought-after leading lady, known for her girl-next-door charm, dancing skills and crackling chemistry with Govinda. In 2000, she stepped away from the limelight to focus on her family life and her jewellery designing business, but agreed, albeit reluctantly, to face the camera again for the reality series ‘The Fabulous Lives of Bollywood Wives’. Mother to a teen now, Neelam spoke to Sidhi Kapoor about mom-guilt and why she allows her daughter to speak her mind
Your daughter has entered her teens. What are some of the challenges you are facing, and how are you trying to navigate them?
To be honest, Ahana just turned 13. I have heard stories that when kids turn teenagers, things really change, but I think I’m dealing with a very sorted kid. From the other stories I have heard, my story is a little different. Ahana is still not into tank tops or make-up. She’s not interested in social media. She doesn’t like to be in the limelight. So, she hasn’t reached that phase yet. Samir (actor-director Samir Soni , her husband) and I have kept her away (from the smartphone). She’s a music lover, so she’s more into that and her books.
As of now, I am not seeing any of those teenage issues. The moods fluctuate a little bit, which I believe is absolutely normal for this age. Apart from that, she’s a good girl. I feel blessed!
How do you balance giving your daughter independence while still setting boundaries and rules?
First of all, sleepovers are a big no. That is something which is not allowed. She’s probably had one sleepover with her childhood friend, who lives in the same building. We have known their parents for years. Honestly speaking, we haven’t really put down any ground rules. It’s difficult to believe, but she’s quite responsible and a conscientious child for her age. Samir and I don’t have to really tell her much. She knows her rights and wrongs pretty well.
What are some essential life skills you’ve taught her?
Parenting when I was growing up and parenting these days is very different. Today, you have to be more of a friend to your child. Even if you say to your child that something is not allowed, you need to have a reason. Today, it’s all about reasoning and giving a logical answer behind what you say to your child. It can’t be “because I said so…”. You need to have logic behind it. Then, being respectful to elders or anyone she meets is very important. Even giving respect to the staff is equally essential. As parents, we are very strict about it. These are small things we have imbued in our daughter. It makes me very proud when people say she is such a brave, well-mannered and sensitive child.
What’s the best parenting advice you have ever received?
I don’t think I have received any advice. I have just learnt all along. Being a friend to your child is the number one thing. Also, allowing your child to speak, whatever it may be, is important. Let them speak their mind and encourage it. There’s so much happening in school, in their mind and their surroundings, so be your child’s best friend. That’s the best thing any parent can do.
As a working mother, how do you divide time between your career and family life?
I go crazy sometimes! Luckily, if I am travelling, Samir is around, and vice versa. He manages and pitches in. It’s during evening time that mom-guilt kicks in. Things become a little more challenging for working mothers. But then it is what it is. Fortunately, Ahana is very cool as she’s seen me working since her childhood. She gets it. If I have to take a long trip abroad, she will jokingly ask, “How much money are you making? As long as you are making good money, it’s fine!” But the mom-guilt will always be there, no matter how understanding the child is.
What about studies? Does she manage on her own?
That’s another thing. There were certain subjects, like math, where we knew there was no negotiating. She was hesitant, and she used to cry when she had to go to classes. Maths gets very challenging in the International Baccalaureate system. But now she’s breezing through. Samir has a finance background, so he used to teach her and help her with homework. I honestly don’t understand anything when it comes to Math. But largely, she manages her studies on her own, so we don’t really have to check on her studies and tests all the time.
What are some non-negotiables for you and Samir?
Respect for family, friends, and staff is of utmost importance to us. We believe that you have got to be around your child, talk to them, understand them, and reason with them. When I feel she’s having a bad day and there’s something going on, I just leave her alone and give her space. Then, in a day or two, she will tell me what happened and why she was upset.
How has motherhood changed you, and what have you learned about yourself through parenting?
A lot of change has happened in my approach to parenting. Earlier, I used to be the strict one. Samir was the lenient one. There are always disagreements at home about small issues like jumping on the sofa. He would be like, “She’s a child. Let her be.” And I would say, “No, it’s not okay.” Now, I think I have succumbed, and we are both on the same page. I have realised it’s not worth it. It’s also because kids of this generation mature way earlier. They are so much more aware and intelligent. Today’s kids are more empathetic, too. I think we owe it to the schools of today. Maybe it’s the new way of teaching at school, though a lot of learning comes from home too.
Any parenting regrets?
I think I have done a good job, if I may say so. I may have been strict in the beginning, but I think it has paid off. Would I do anything different if I look back? No.
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